Feeling The Need...

I am so sorry to do this to everyone, but I am going private with this blog. I still want to share it with my readers and followers. All you have to do to be added is send me an email at: luvmyponys@hotmail.com
and I will add you. I will wait a week before turning it private to give everyone a chance to email me that would like to continue reading this blog.

I do have some new updates that will I will be adding soon, I just want to set it to private first.

Thank you!

Love to all...

It's Christmas 1989...

I remember being so excited for Christmas that year. My belly was growing, therefor my baby was growing. The morning sickness had finally subsided, and I was free to eat what I wanted without the ramifications of the morning sickness.

School was going well, my pregnancy was going well, even my relationship with the bio-dad was going well. I couldn't have been happier with life at that time. My mom had just remarried, it seemed like she was finally settling down. Life was good!!!

I can remember laying on the couch watching the Christmas tree lights and just rubbing my belly enjoying the little flutters that were inside. You still couldn't really feel them from the outside, but I could definitely feel them on the inside. The bio-dad would sit and try to feel them but at that stage he never really could.

It was probably one of the best times of my pregnancy. All the turmoil that the pregnancy had caused with my family had settled down, and the bio-dad and I were becoming excited about the upcoming arrival of the baby.

With that Christmas came an engagement ring and a promise to marry me and love our baby. This was real, I was finally going to have the family I was wanted. My baby was going to have a mommy and a daddy to love her. Oh I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I also knew that as a family (bio-dad, baby, and me) we could slay any dragon that came our way. I made a pact with myself to be the best mommy and wife that my husband and child could ever ask for. I knew since we had come this far we could go the distance.

I loved life, I loved my fiancee, and I loved my baby. Nothing was going to keep be from being someone that they would be proud to call wife and mommy. Again I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I knew we could do it. I just knew it.

For that Christmas the bio-dad gave me a baby book for the baby, 2 white photo albums, and the journal that all of this has been written down in. Oh I started the journal in a spiral notebook but when he gave me the beautiful bound journal I re-wrote everything in it. I still have the baby book (obviously it has never been filled out), one of the 2 white albums, and the journal. I have always kept them, but always wanted to trash them at the same time. The two white albums I will talk about the use I made of them in a later post, but they were put to use.

This was such a happy time for me. My mom was excited about the baby (so was I of course), my best friend had begun to accept my fiancee (even though she hated him), the bio-dad's parents even seem to have begun to accept the baby and me, and I was well on my way to accomplishing my first goal...high school graduation.

Love to all...

Starting A Reunion Blog...

I am going to resume telling my birthmom story on this blog, which is what I set it up for. It seems like my reunion drama has hijacked my birthmom story, and I really want my birthmom story to flow like...well...a story.

I will continue to post the reunion stuff , but it will be posted on the reunion blog. I will eventually merge the two of these blogs when the time is right. For now they each have their own blog to fit the purposes of my postings.

The reunion is:

www.ridingthereunionrollercoaster.blogspot.com

Love to all...

The Wonderful Little Flutters...

According to my journal I left the first little flutters of my baby on Dec. 12th. I wasn't entirely sure what it was at first.

I would feel these little flutters, and for some strange reason I thought they were butterflies. You know like what you get when your nervous? But I wasn't nervous, according to my journal I felt it for the first time in my calculus class.

What I wrote in my journal says...I was sitting in class and all of a sudden I got butterflies in my stomach. Like the I'm nervous type of butterflies, but it was more like I had swallowed an entire swarm of butterflies that were flying around in my stomach. It started and then stopped, and started and stopped, and...well you get the picture. I pushed on my belly where I could feel them and it would happen again. So of course (DUH!!!) I pushed again. I had no idea what it was. (Yes, I did read the books...)

The day was almost over and so I waited wondering what the deal was. As soon as school let out I ran to the pay phone and called my mom. She told me to take the bus home, and call Dr Siegel when I got there. I was getting nervous because I had no idea what was going on, but I wasn't scared. There wasn't any pain or anything, just this swarm of butterflies in my stomach. How very strange...

Once I got home I called Dr Siegel's office, and asked to speak with the nurse. When the nurse came on the phone I told her what was going on. She laughed and said...congratulations sweetie you are feeling your baby move for the first time. Is that what that is? Just about that time it happened again, I giggled to the nurse that it was happening again. She told me that it will continue to happen, only the movement will become more noticeable. I thanked her and hung up.

I rushed in and laid down on my bed and pushed on my belly. Oh, it happened again...my baby was responding to me. I was so thrilled, I couldn't wait for my mom to get home so I could tell her. I remember just laying there pushing on my belly just to be able to feel the movement my baby would make. After about 45 minutes of my pushing at her she stopped moving...PANIC!!! Back to the phone I ran, I called Dr Siegel's nurse again. She explained to me (this time slightly irritated) that the baby had stopped moving because she probably had fallen asleep and that it was nothing to worry about. Oh thank God...I said, and hung up.

About an hour later my mom came home and I was bouncing with the excitement that my baby was moving. She told me that was a good sign, and that I was wearing her out with all the bouncing around. I recall her saying...you have so much energy for being pregnant. I'm not sure how I responded, but I'm sure I laughed. My mom then asked me how I was feeling about things. She asked how things were going with Doug and I. She would have had a fit if she knew that we had several blow ups that had resulted in him hitting me. I never told her because I always felt like I had to protect him, and our family. (stupid me)

I called Tina and told her, but she couldn't come over because she had to go to work. I had told her on the bus what I was feeling, but then we didn't know what it was. She was just as excited as I was, but she was bummed because she couldn't come right over. Tina kept saying...See I told you our baby was going to be fine. You need to learn to trust me, and stop worrying so much. I loved Tina so much for being there for me. Especially since I know I must have driven her crazy with my incessant worrying. She was always such a good sport about it, though.

That night my mom, my sister, and I sat on my bed talking about what we wanted for Christmas, and stuff like that. My mom told me that she would get stuff for the baby, she just wasn't sure what yet. About that time my baby started moving again, I got all excited and asked them if they wanted to feel it. Well, of course that early on they really couldn't feel it but they were good sports and at least tried.

What a great day, my baby was alive and I had the fluttering to prove it. God, how I loved my baby...I couldn't wait for her to come into the world. I just knew she would be a replica of her bio-dad, but I prayed that God would mold her to love more like me, and to have more of my personality. I just knew she was going to be beautiful both inside and out, and she was going to be all mine. A baby to love, nurture, and raise...I was finally beginning to feel like I could really do this.

Miss Peanut Has A Heart Beat...

November 14, 1989 I had my second official ( 3rd actual) prenatal appoint with Dr Siegel. I was so excited because I remembered that this was the day I was going to get to hear my baby's heart beat.

That sounded impossible to me, I knew there was a baby in there (I was growing by leaps and bounds)...but it still was just so surreal to me. And this was the day that my dream was going to become a reality. WOW!!!

As always I arrived right on schedule, and was told to have a seat and the nurse would call me soon. UGH...I hate waiting, I moaned. At that point I am sure the receptionist spotted the PITA label on my chart because she promptly reminded my to have a seat and closed the glass window. So I went to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. As I was waiting I began to wonder if nothing special was suppose to take place during these visits would they NOT make me wait? (How quickly I had forgotten that 2 weeks ago I rushed into the office needing an emergency and was taken right back.) Anyway, I waited what seemed like forever and then finally the nurse called me back.

I was handed that dreaded plastic cup and told to urinate into it. I snatch the cup with the 17 year old attitude I had, and stomped into the bathroom, complaining the whole way about why did I need to pee in the darn cup every visit. Again, I am sure that this is the point that the nurse too noticed the PITA in big letters on my chart, because she simply raised her eyebrows at me. I went into the bathroom lowered my pants, squatted over the toilet, and proceeded to pee all over my hand. MY GOD, why do I have to do that every time? So after a little adjustment (a little too late) I was able to pee in the cup enough the satisfy the pee-pee fairies over in the lab. Then I was weighed, asked a million question, and placed in an exam room and told (you guessed it) the doctor will be in shortly. I HATE WAITING!!! Don't these people understand, this is a big day for me. I am going to get to hear my baby's heart beat. I HATE WAITING!!!

This time though the wait was shorter than usual (or at least it seemed). Dr Siegel came in and told me that I had gained 3 lbs for a total weight gain of 6 lbs. Well thank you Dr Siegel for reminding that I am almost the size of a small house boat, as if I didn't already know that. He then asked me...have you had anymore bleeding? (no) Have you had any cramping? (no) How is your morning sickness? (better) Are you getting enough sleep at night? (i sleep all the time, how do I know when it's night and day?) How is school going? (it's going) Do you have any questions for me? (are you going to let me hear my baby's heart beat today?)

He says...we are going to try. TRY??? What the heck does that mean? Dr Siegel then explained to me that sometimes this early you can't hear the heart beat with the Doppler fetal monitor. Are you kidding me? That was not what I expected to hear, I expected to hear absolutely right now we will hear your baby's heart beat. Then he reached a crossed to the counter picked up a two piece (ok one piece connected with a curly cord) monitor thing, again he squited the jelly flown in specially from the south pole and then waved one piece of the monitor across my belly. He listened intently, then moved it across my belly to the other side.

I then heard a faint whoosh-whoosh-whooshing noise, so Dr Siegel turns up the monitor and I can hear my baby's heartbeat. I couldn't control it, nor did I want to...but the tears just flowed. I couldn't believe it I was going to have a baby. I know at that point I was crying and laughing, I was so excited to hear my baby's heartbeat. Dr Siegel told me to calm down for a minute so he could count the beats. I can't remember exactly how many beats it was (and no I did not write it down in my journal), but Dr Siegel looked at me and said...this baby has a very fast heartbeat. My tears of joy instantly turned to terror. He said...no it is fine, it just means that it is probably a girl. A what...I asked. He laughed and said...girls usually have faster heartbeats than boys, so with the way this baby's heart is beating it is probably a girl. OH MY GOD...I AM HAVING A GIRL!!! (notice how he said probably a girl, but I heard it is a girl?)

Dr Siegel then decided that since I was in the office he would just take a quick peek at the baby with the sonogram machine. (I'm not sure he trusted me when I said that I hadn't been doing anything I wasn't suppose to be doing, but I wasn't complaining I was going to get to see my baby again.) So he sent me into the sono room and told me he would be in shortly. Here comes the waiting game again!! GEESH!!! I have no idea how long I waited, but finally Dr Siegel came in, squirted the frozen jelly on my belly, and placed the sono wand over where we had just heard the heart beat.

There she is Miss Peanut (I told you I hear it was a girl). Only this time instead of just seeing the heart beat I could actually hear it in my mind's eye. Suddenly this little peanut became a real baby to me. Suddenly I knew that no matter what I couldn't live without this baby. She was growing in there and would someday soon be pushed (by me of course) into the world. She was my baby, my daughter, my first born child. I loved her more than words could describe. I remember my heart swelling with love and pride, that not only was she there, but that I had kept her alive.

I remember thanking God. I remember laying on that table and hearing that heart beat in my head, and thanking God. He heard me when I prayed that day, he kept my baby alive. I knew then that it was my job to keep my promise and be the best mommy I could be to her (I was so sure it was a girl). I then promised God again that I would always do what was best for my baby. I had no idea what that would entail, but I knew I would give my life to give her what was best. (sometimes I wish I had given my own life instead.)

I went home that day on cloud 9, I couldn't wait to call Tina and tell her. I'm having a girl...I screamed into the phone. (he said probably, but I heard positively) Tina started screaming with me as only 17 year old girls can do, and I was jumping up and down. She said...I will be right over. When I hung up the phone I felt so loved. I loved (love) Tina so much for being there for me. I mean really how many high school girls shout for joy at the idea of their friend having a baby girl? Not only did she scream with me, she was rushing over to see me. Tina was truly my rock, she never let me down a moment of any part of my pregnancy or the long journey that I traveled afterwards.

Tina came over and we sat on my bed and we just talked. We talked about what my baby would look like, we talked about how I wanted her to be a part of my baby's life. We talked about how things would never be same after the baby was born. We talked about how Tina would never leave me to raise my baby by myself. I knew that when Tina told me that she would always be there I could believe her. To this day she has never forsaken our friendship. We went through a period of being at different stages in our lives, but I always knew she was there for me if I needed her.

I began to understand that night that not only did Tina love me, but she loved my baby. That my baby could count on her just as much as I could. I remember looking at her and saying...What if I mess this up? Tina, what if I can't be the mommy this baby needs? What if Doug leaves me all alone to raise this baby? I told Tina...I love this baby with more love than I ever thought I had in me. I wanted this baby so much, I wanted to be a mommy she could be proud of. Of all the things I am afraid of doing wrong, my biggest fear is that I would fail my baby. I remember Tina taking my hand and saying...I will help you if you need me to. I will be here for you and for our baby. (Tina always said "our" baby...always)

So here we were 2 young girls making a commitment to each other and to a baby that we both loved. To this day, I have never forgotten the words that were spoken that day, nor have I ever forgotten how much Tina loved "our" baby.

My Homecoming Tent...I Mean Dress...

I can't remember the exact of date of Homecoming that year and for whatever reason it is not written down in my journal. It must have been late fall because in my journal entry I talk about it being very cold the night of the football game.

As all attending high school students know Homecoming is a huge event for the school and the students. For the Seniors it was a big deal, it was the beginning of the end of our high school lives. In the next 8 months (or less) we would all be walking across that stage graduating and moving on with our plans for the future, some people we would keep in touch with others, others wouldn't, reguardless though Homecoming was one of our last big events together as a class. In my case I would give birth to my baby, hope to keep up at home while post-partum, and then walk across that stage.

To this very day I can still picture my dream of graduation day:
But that is another post for another day.

So when it came time for Homecoming I was finally not feeling so sick all the time, but I just wasn't sure I wanted to go. My friends all couldn't believe that I would miss Homecoming. When they asked why I never had a good reason. A lot of times I would just say I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. Honestly though I was horrified at the idea of getting a dress. By the time Homecoming rolled around I had started to gain weight. Now is where I probably need to explain that before I got pregnant I was 5ft 1in, and weigh about 98 lbs. I was a tiny little thing, so any weight on my little frame caused me to become pretty self conscious.

Finally I agreed to go to not only the Homecoming game (that I would never have missed, to this day I love high school football games) but to the Homecoming Dance as well. Oh my now I HAD to find a dress. To say that finding a dress was difficult would be the under statement of the century. I went into every store that sold Homecoming dresses that year. Unfortunately the style of dress that was popular that year was pleated at the belly, cut very tight across the chest, and flared more towards the bottom. Not a good look for someone who was beginning to put on weight and was early in a pregnancy. But yet everywhere we went that was the stinking style. (But then again that is just the kind of luck I have!!!)

There were more tears shed in dressing rooms that day then I had shed in my life up until that point. I would go into the dressing room, Tina would hand me a dress, I would try it on, I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't even let her see it on me. Store, after store, after store my faithful companion would do this for me. It was horrible, being so tiny I never had a problem finding clothes that would fit me. This was a disaster, and I was coming unraveled quick. (darn those pregnant emotions) Finally we agreed to stop and get something to eat because I hadn't really eaten much all day. And I think Tina was afraid that if I didn't stop crying I would dehydrate or something.

Tina was so smart, because once we stopped for lunch, and began looking again I was feeling so much better. This was the first sign that I was really pregnant as far as my appearance went. Up to this point I was still wearing (ok squeezing) into my jeans and just wearing my shirts un-tucked (which by the way was NOT the style back then), so I hadn't really given much thought to the fact that my body was starting to change. I guess it was during this shopping trip specifically that I knew my body was never going to be the same again. (and it hasn't been) I remember sitting in Jerry's Pizza & Subs and crying to Tina that my body was changing and it scared me. Tina, bless her heart, she never said a word (I think she knew better) she just smiled and told me to eat. I can now look back and realize that she knew what I was saying was...I am pregnant and I am scared to death I am going to fail at this and my body changing doesn't scare me as much as everything that is still to come. I will always love her for not probing me on that, for just letting it go. We both knew what I was saying without me having to actually say it.

Once my belly was full, I had plenty to drink (in case of more tears), and I had peed a million times in the 20 minutes it took us to eat, we were off again looking for dresses. Finally we went into Woodie's and Tina found a very cute 2 piece outfit. I almost kissed her. It was purple (my favorite color at that time), it had a button up top with cute little silver button on it, it had some silver on the trim, and it was simple. It was not old lady looking, and it wasn't the tight fit style we had seen in the other stores. Now do they have my size? Hooray, Oh Happy Day!! They had my size in both the top and skirt. So I took them and off to the dressing room I went, I was so giddy. I had given up hope and accepted that me not being able to find a dress was God's way of saying you are not a child anymore, Casandra. I felt like God was saying Casandra grow up and face the reality...you are 17 and having a baby, you don't get to do fun things like Homecoming anymore.

Into the dressing I go to try on my find. (ok Tina's find) I pull the skirt on...yippee...it fit. I put the top on and began to button it up. Oh My God are you kidding me? The buttons gap open, my boobs are too big for the top. Here come the tears again...a waterfall is more like it...I sit on the floor in utter frustration and cry. Tina peeks in and asks me what was wrong I stand up to show her, and she laughs. SHE LAUGHS!!! I throw myself back on the floor in tears, hurt, and murderous intent. I am bawling my eyes out and my best friend in the whole world is laughing at the gaping buttons on the only outfit I can find for Homecoming. I am horrified, it makes me cry harder...and harder...and harder. By this point she is trying to calm me down, and says please don't take that the wrong way. What the heck do you mean...don't take it the wrong way...I ask. You just laughed your butt off at me because this top is too small, and I am not suppose to take it the wrong way!!!

About that time Tina helps me up off the floor, and says she will check to see if there is another size in the top. Off she goes and leaves me alone to ponder why my sweet hearted best friend would laugh at me like that. I was so hurt, and angry...kill her ran through my mind several times. Anyway she was back in a jiff and thank God they had the top in the next size up. I tried it on, and although it was a little big and would need the sides pulled in a bit, it did at least button without gaping. I was feeling so much better but was still ready to kill Tina. I got dressed and marched out of the dressing room right passed her. She jumped up and took off after me, I was walking as fast I could to get away from her. I got to the register paid for my outfit, and left the store. The whole time Tina said nothing but she did not leave my side either.

Finally I turned to her and said... you better say your sorry. Why did you laugh at me, you know I was having a hard time finding something anyway. You hurt my feelings. Tina stopped walking looked me dead in the eye and said...Casandra now you know how it feels to be me. (Did I mention at that time Tina was 5 ft 7in about 120 lbs with a double E (yes E) chest?) At that point even I began to laugh, what girl doesn't want that problem?

Hopes, Dreams, and Nightmares...

This will probably be a pretty hard post for me, but I am going to do it anyway. I am going to for the first time ever talk about the hopes, dreams, and nightmares I had for my baby and for myself. This is a place I haven't really allowed myself to go for a long, long, long time. But it is part of my story and I think it might be important for me to include it.

The hopes...

I hoped that I could carry my pregnancy to term, with no more complications. I hoped that he/she would be healthy at birth and would live a lifetime of good health. I hoped that I could take Doug at his word. I hoped that he was going to stay with me and give my baby the two parent home he/she deserved. I hoped that I could finish high school and at some point make something of myself. I hoped that I my family and Doug's family would accept my pregnancy, and love my baby. Most of all I hoped that I could really make this work, that this was a fairy tale with a happy ending.

The dreams...

I dreamt of a baby girl (yes, that part did come true) that looked exactly like me. I dreamt of a little girl with eyes so blue you couldn't find your way out once you were lost in them. I dreamt of a baby girl with blond hair and curls that would bounce when she giggled. I dreamt of a baby girl that would squeal in delight when I tickled her tummy. I dreamt of a baby girl that would come running to her mommy when she had a bad dream. I dreamt of a baby girl that would yell ma ma ma to get my attention. I dreamt of a baby girl that would ask me how much I love her. I dreamt of a baby girl that loved me for no other reason than because I was her mommy. I dreamt of a little girl that knew no matter what she could count on me as her mommy to be there for her. I dreamt of a baby girl that would shop with me, gossip with me, and that would share her childhood with me. I dreamt of a baby girl that always knew that no matter what went wrong her mommy would fix it. I dreamt of baby girl with a mommy that could meet her needs, wants, and desires. I dreamt of a baby girl that brought a ray of sunshine to the lives of everyone she met. I dreamt if a baby girl that would honor her mommy on her big days because I had always been there for her. I had so many big dreams for my baby...

For myself...I dreamt of nothing more than loving her. I dreamt of knowing how to make choices that would be best for her. And in the end how do you ever know what is going to be best?

The nightmares...

I was so afraid of failing her. I was so afraid of making the wrong choices for her. I was so afraid that I she wouldn't know how much I love her. I was so afraid that Doug would leave her without a daddy. I was so afraid that I wouldn't know when she was sick. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to keep her alive. I was so afraid that she would hate me for any reason. I was so afraid she would follow in my foot steps. I was so afraid that Doug's parents wouldn't accept her, or that my parents wouldn't either. I was so afraid that one day she would ask me why I got into this position in the first place. I was so afraid that she wouldn't understand that sometimes as parents we do things we regret, but that once they are done we cant change them.

I loved (love actually) my baby more than I could ever put into words. I had always had an intense maternal instinct. I have a sister 7 years younger that I helped my mom raise, and I love her like my own. But this baby was different, she was mine. I knew that if I screwed this up I had no one to blame but myself. Yet, I was willing to give it the best shot I had. No, in the end I didn't because i felt like the best shot she had was the chance at a different life. I am not going to go into that part yet, because it isn't time. But I will when we get to that part of my story.

This baby for me was a chance to turn a mistake into a wondrous joy. It was proving to myself that although yes I messed up by getting into this position, I could make it right by being the best mommy to my baby I could be. I often have wondered over the years if maybe I even messed up that part with the choice I made...but honestly how will I ever know what could have been?