Let Me Start With The (+) Pregnancy Test...

It has been 18 almost 19 long years and I can still remember the day I realized I might be pregnant like it was yesterday. (I can still to this very day close my eyes and be able to see the doctor's office, smell the way it smelled, and hear the nurse calling my name to be seen.) I knew my period was late but I chose to ignore it, thinking that there was no way I was pregnant. It was late August 1989 and 3 days before I was to begin my senior year of high school. I thought my period was late because I was stressed out about school. About 4 weeks later I realized that I still hadn't gotten my period. I still wasn't scared though, I have never had regular cycles anyway. Another 2 weeks went by still no period, uh oh I realized maybe there was a chance I could be pregnant. Finally after being about 7 weeks late I told my mom.

My boyfriends name was, Doug. Let me say this first...by the time I even began to suspect I was pregnant Doug & I had been dating for almost 2 years. In my mind this was a serious relationship, and of course I did expect that it would last. So because I was young I thought we were in this together forever.

Enough on him and what was once our relationship. I just wanted to give everyone a glimpse into the fact that we had not had a one night stand or even a short term relationship. That he was someone that I thought I was deeply in love with and had committed my life to (ahhh...the wonders of first love)...

So I told my mom that I was like 6 weeks late getting my period, maybe even more. Of course the first thing she asked was if I was pregnant. I told her I didn't know, but that I could be. She had a fit, and looking back justifiably so. She ranted and rave about protection, what was I thinking, and why did I let this happen. I remember thinking...Geesh, you are a fine one to talk...You had me at 17...like mother like daughter...what is the big deal you did it and I turned out okay (which I knew wasn't true)...stop lecturing me on protection don't you think it is a little late for that..and a lot of other very horribly defensive things. But instead all that froze on my tongue because what actually came out was...Mom I'm scared and I am so sorry.

The very next day my mom stayed home from work and began a quest for a doctor that could at least give me a pregnancy test...and soon. Finally she found Dr Mark Siegel and he had a cancellation and could see me as soon as she could get me there. Mom came rushing into my room and told me to get dressed she was taking me to the doctors.

I remember sitting in the doctors office while she filled out the medical papers, praying that I was wrong. Hoping that the minute I went in to pee in that cup my period would be there. Well, my name was called to go back into the exam room and my time to pray was over. Once I was put in the exam room I was handed a urine cup and told to go pee in it. A million things ran through my head in the alone moments I had in the bathroom. Once I was done peeing I handed the cup off to the nurse and was put back into the exam room. Dr Siegel came into the room and gave me the news. I was in fact pregnant. My heart stopped beating, and I stupidly said did you just tell me that I am pregnant? He chuckled a bit and said yes that is what I just said.

Now this whole time my mom was still sitting in the waiting room. She was told to sit there until they called her back. It was after Dr Siegel told me that I was pregnant then they called my mom back into the room. At this point Dr Siegel began asking me a series of questions...what was the first date of my last period? ? (how do I know really what 17 year old keeps track of that)...have I been exposed to any STDs? (not that I know of)... and on on the questions went. I was terribly embarrassed by a lot of them, even though I found myself pregnant at 17 i was still very modest about my body and sex (especially with a strange man asking me personal questions).

I looked at my mom to rescue me from his very personal questions and all she could say was this has only just begun Casandra Jo. I had not idea what she meant by that at all, but I was to soon find out. I was then handed a gown by Dr Siegel and told to remove all my clothing. I looked at my mom horrified, her reply was well this is what happens when you are going to have a baby. So Dr Siegel left the room and my mom helped me to undress. I need help undressing because once that door shut I began to sob. I am not talking cry...I am talking SOB!!! Deep gut wrenching sobs, mom told me to stop crying we would figure it all out.

Mom then open the exam room door and Dr Seigel returned. I laid down, put my feet in the stirrups and continued to cry. Dr Siegel did his exam and told me that he would guess me to be about 9 weeks along. Well what did that mean? I had no idea how many weeks you could expect to be pregnant. I was just a baby, with big hopes and dreams of being a lawyer, not of being an unwed mother. So Dr Siegel began telling me about the pregnancy and what I could expect. He gave me a book called what to expect when your expecting (which I still have to this very day), and told me to stop at the reception desk and make another appointment in 4 weeks and have her schedule a sonogram as well.

Once the next appointment was made mom and I both left the office in a daze. I could tell she was so angry and hurt...and I was so confused about what would come next. How was I going to tell Doug? What was he going to say? Would he stay with me and have this baby? Those were just a few of the million questions that were running through my mind. Mom asked me if I was hungry, I told her not really but she told me I needed to eat something. So we went across the street to MC Donald's, I ordered but couldn't eat a thing. I remember looking across the table at my mom and she suddenly just started crying. It tore my heart out to see her cry like that. She told me that she wanted better for me than this, and she cried about my now lost childhood.

I asked her if she would please call my dad and tell him. That i was just so emotionally overwhelmed that I just couldn't do it. To be honest now looking back I realize I copped out. I had already seen the disappointment on my mom face I could not handle hearing it in my dads voice. She told me that she would call him once we got home. Then we discussed what and when to tell Doug and his parents. Telling Doug scared me, but telling his parents terrified me. I never really had a good relationship with them to begin with. They didn't like that I had come from a broken and Doug had not, they just were not my biggest fans. I asked my mom is she would be with me when it came time to tell Doug's parents. At first she said no, that we made an adult choice to create a baby and we needed to handle it like adults. But in the end she did go with me.

I am not really going to go into what the conversation was between Doug and I because this is my story. But I will say that he seemed upset but was committed to staying with me and having the baby.

So once Doug as told and all the parents were told we had to begin to make a plan. Were we going to get married and keep the baby? Were we going to abort the pregnancy? Were we going to consider adoption? Well Doug and I both wanted to get married and raise our baby together. Abortion was not an option, and my god adoption who does that? Certainly not me. There was no way I was going to carry the baby for 9 months and then give her to strangers to raise. Anyone who thought I was going to do that was crazy. I am not heartless, I loved the baby already. What would my baby think if I put it up for adoption? It would think i didn't want or love it. NO NO NO I wouldn't even consider adoption. I shot down anyone who even tried to mention the word adoption to me. I was having the baby and raising it, and besides Doug wanted the baby too. There was no need to even talk about adoption. (Funny how fate works, huh?)

After we decided that we were going to keep the baby then came other questions like...would get married before the baby was born?...where would we live?...how would support ourselves? Would we finish school? (We were both seniors). It was decided that we would definitely finish school, we both already had jobs, we would check to see if we could go full time once we graduated, we would get married after the baby was born, we would try to juggle college and our jobs with help from the parents, and we would have to find a place to live. Somehow I was able to go to bed that night completely content with the plan we had made. I slept so well, and dreamt of having the baby and living happily ever after.