The Bio Dad...

Let me begin by saying this...I use the term bio-dad for him because I find it to be a negative term. There are other negative terms I would prefer to use when describing my daughter's bio-dad, but I am trying to keep this clean and tactful. My daughter (the child this story is about) sometimes will call me her bio-mom. She knows I hate it, but she uses at times to differentiate between her adoptive mom and myself. Every time I hear her say bio-mom it sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and hurt.

This is why...

My daughter's adoptive parents have spent a lot of time trying to convince her that the biology that she has doesn't really mean anything. That most of who she is and how she does things were because of her environment while growing up. That the biology she and I share has little to do with who she is. That child is a carbon copy, spitting image, mirror imagine, mini me replica of myself. Her looks, her personality, her mannerisms, everything about her screams me. I included a picture of the two of us during the second day of our first face-to-face visit, so that you can see how very much she looks like me.

So when I hear her refer to me as her bio-mom (although I understand why she does it) it in some way drives home that point. That the biology really doesn't mean anything. Now to be fair to my daughter I know that she does not feel that way, that is just me being insecure with my place in her life. I know when she uses it it really is a term of endearment (kind of) more than a something she says to be negative about me and my role in her life. So I hate the term bio-mom, and for that very reason I chose to use it for talking about Doug. I know that sounds mean, but it better than some of the others I would rather use.

The real reason for this post...

I have hardly mentioned Doug, the bio-dad, because this is my story. Not his, and certainly not ours...it is mine. I know that may seem very selfish because obviously it took both of us to create this child, but I have never really thought about her belonging to him. He gave up that right when he not only walked out on me at 7 1/2 months pregnant, but again when she reached out to him for reunion and he denied her. So I really don't want to jump ahead on my story, but I have had a lot of people ask me where the bio-dad is in all of this.

So I am going to give these details about him:

I had been dating him for almost 2 years before I got pregnant with my daughter. no I am not justifying the fact that I got pregnant, I am simply explaining the situation. We had an excellent relationship up until I got pregnant. He was everything you dream your first love will be. (again until the pregnancy happened.) He was ecstatic about the pregnancy through most of it. He was put under a lot of pressure by his parents to end the relationship and try to get me to end the pregnancy. I do believe he loved me and my baby...at least in the beginning. I think in the end he loved himself more and that won out. Once he walked out of the relationship he was gone...period...there was never another conversation or anything until the birth of the baby (and that I will go into later). He was there with me through my miscarriage scare, and many other trying times. I just don't mention him in my story because that is exactly what this is...my story. I will consider adding more of him to my story, but I probably won't. I will bring him in during the parts where he plays a big role, but other than that I just want this to be my story as a birth mom.

I hope everyone reading can understand why I feel this way...