To Help You Understand...

I just want to explain to everyone that I am doing this blog for me. I am willing to share my story with the people who love and support me, but I will not tailor my emotions or words to suit the needs of people reading it.

For the first time in 18 years I have unlocked the door to my Pandora's box and am willing to talk about this. I can not be afraid to offend anyone, hurt anyone, or worry about other peoples memories being different from mine. Because trust me I know exactly how my story goes. I have lived it, ate it, slept it, drank it, and have been breathing it for the last 18 almost 19 years. The memories on my story have never faded, changed or been forgotten. Locked away from everyone...yes...forgotten, faded, or changed...NEVER!!!

So with all that being said please either read it for what it is, which is my desire to tell my story or simply just don't read it at all. I am coming across a bit strong I know, but I have had a few e-mails already telling that some details I have told are not being remembered correctly. That is simply them not knowing or not wanting to remember (which truly is the latter). I knew when I chose to tell my story that it might cause some havoc over the details (since it has been 18 years some people think that I may have forgotten what really happened), but the reality is I have never forgotten a single detail of this. As I have already said I can close my eyes and easily transport myself right back to these moments that are over 18 years old.

I have only told 2 people in the entire 19 (almost) years since it has happened this story. Those 2 people are the baby that made this story possible and my counselor. That is it...I had family and friends with me while it was going on, but outside of the people that were there, this baby, and my counselor the rest of you are hearing it all for the very first time. It is really hard to do this, but I want to tell my story. The emotions that have welled up inside me have been overwhelming, but very very theraputic. I never really allowed myself to mourn the loss of this baby, and I will go into that in later posts. So for the first time ever not only am I telling people what transpired, why I made the chioce I did, but I am finally going to put names on the emotions that I have felt and locked away for the last 19 years. For some of you this may be morbid curiosity, to be able to enter the mind of a child that gave her baby up for adoption, for others it may be helpful because you deal with me on a regular basis. For whatever the reason would be that you choose to read my story, know that this is a huge part of how I became the person I am today.

This baby and this story has been woven into the very fiber of my being. I couldn't change the details or the story if I wanted to. This is a huge part of who I am as a person, and how I have defined my life. So once again please either read it with an open heart or don't read it at all. This is the one area of my life that I will not pull punches on or fight about how it really went. The absolute honesty is...no one else has lived this dream/nightmare but me.