Hopes, Dreams, and Nightmares...

This will probably be a pretty hard post for me, but I am going to do it anyway. I am going to for the first time ever talk about the hopes, dreams, and nightmares I had for my baby and for myself. This is a place I haven't really allowed myself to go for a long, long, long time. But it is part of my story and I think it might be important for me to include it.

The hopes...

I hoped that I could carry my pregnancy to term, with no more complications. I hoped that he/she would be healthy at birth and would live a lifetime of good health. I hoped that I could take Doug at his word. I hoped that he was going to stay with me and give my baby the two parent home he/she deserved. I hoped that I could finish high school and at some point make something of myself. I hoped that I my family and Doug's family would accept my pregnancy, and love my baby. Most of all I hoped that I could really make this work, that this was a fairy tale with a happy ending.

The dreams...

I dreamt of a baby girl (yes, that part did come true) that looked exactly like me. I dreamt of a little girl with eyes so blue you couldn't find your way out once you were lost in them. I dreamt of a baby girl with blond hair and curls that would bounce when she giggled. I dreamt of a baby girl that would squeal in delight when I tickled her tummy. I dreamt of a baby girl that would come running to her mommy when she had a bad dream. I dreamt of a baby girl that would yell ma ma ma to get my attention. I dreamt of a baby girl that would ask me how much I love her. I dreamt of a baby girl that loved me for no other reason than because I was her mommy. I dreamt of a little girl that knew no matter what she could count on me as her mommy to be there for her. I dreamt of a baby girl that would shop with me, gossip with me, and that would share her childhood with me. I dreamt of a baby girl that always knew that no matter what went wrong her mommy would fix it. I dreamt of baby girl with a mommy that could meet her needs, wants, and desires. I dreamt of a baby girl that brought a ray of sunshine to the lives of everyone she met. I dreamt if a baby girl that would honor her mommy on her big days because I had always been there for her. I had so many big dreams for my baby...

For myself...I dreamt of nothing more than loving her. I dreamt of knowing how to make choices that would be best for her. And in the end how do you ever know what is going to be best?

The nightmares...

I was so afraid of failing her. I was so afraid of making the wrong choices for her. I was so afraid that I she wouldn't know how much I love her. I was so afraid that Doug would leave her without a daddy. I was so afraid that I wouldn't know when she was sick. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to keep her alive. I was so afraid that she would hate me for any reason. I was so afraid she would follow in my foot steps. I was so afraid that Doug's parents wouldn't accept her, or that my parents wouldn't either. I was so afraid that one day she would ask me why I got into this position in the first place. I was so afraid that she wouldn't understand that sometimes as parents we do things we regret, but that once they are done we cant change them.

I loved (love actually) my baby more than I could ever put into words. I had always had an intense maternal instinct. I have a sister 7 years younger that I helped my mom raise, and I love her like my own. But this baby was different, she was mine. I knew that if I screwed this up I had no one to blame but myself. Yet, I was willing to give it the best shot I had. No, in the end I didn't because i felt like the best shot she had was the chance at a different life. I am not going to go into that part yet, because it isn't time. But I will when we get to that part of my story.

This baby for me was a chance to turn a mistake into a wondrous joy. It was proving to myself that although yes I messed up by getting into this position, I could make it right by being the best mommy to my baby I could be. I often have wondered over the years if maybe I even messed up that part with the choice I made...but honestly how will I ever know what could have been?