The Wonderful Little Flutters...

According to my journal I left the first little flutters of my baby on Dec. 12th. I wasn't entirely sure what it was at first.

I would feel these little flutters, and for some strange reason I thought they were butterflies. You know like what you get when your nervous? But I wasn't nervous, according to my journal I felt it for the first time in my calculus class.

What I wrote in my journal says...I was sitting in class and all of a sudden I got butterflies in my stomach. Like the I'm nervous type of butterflies, but it was more like I had swallowed an entire swarm of butterflies that were flying around in my stomach. It started and then stopped, and started and stopped, and...well you get the picture. I pushed on my belly where I could feel them and it would happen again. So of course (DUH!!!) I pushed again. I had no idea what it was. (Yes, I did read the books...)

The day was almost over and so I waited wondering what the deal was. As soon as school let out I ran to the pay phone and called my mom. She told me to take the bus home, and call Dr Siegel when I got there. I was getting nervous because I had no idea what was going on, but I wasn't scared. There wasn't any pain or anything, just this swarm of butterflies in my stomach. How very strange...

Once I got home I called Dr Siegel's office, and asked to speak with the nurse. When the nurse came on the phone I told her what was going on. She laughed and said...congratulations sweetie you are feeling your baby move for the first time. Is that what that is? Just about that time it happened again, I giggled to the nurse that it was happening again. She told me that it will continue to happen, only the movement will become more noticeable. I thanked her and hung up.

I rushed in and laid down on my bed and pushed on my belly. Oh, it happened again...my baby was responding to me. I was so thrilled, I couldn't wait for my mom to get home so I could tell her. I remember just laying there pushing on my belly just to be able to feel the movement my baby would make. After about 45 minutes of my pushing at her she stopped moving...PANIC!!! Back to the phone I ran, I called Dr Siegel's nurse again. She explained to me (this time slightly irritated) that the baby had stopped moving because she probably had fallen asleep and that it was nothing to worry about. Oh thank God...I said, and hung up.

About an hour later my mom came home and I was bouncing with the excitement that my baby was moving. She told me that was a good sign, and that I was wearing her out with all the bouncing around. I recall her saying...you have so much energy for being pregnant. I'm not sure how I responded, but I'm sure I laughed. My mom then asked me how I was feeling about things. She asked how things were going with Doug and I. She would have had a fit if she knew that we had several blow ups that had resulted in him hitting me. I never told her because I always felt like I had to protect him, and our family. (stupid me)

I called Tina and told her, but she couldn't come over because she had to go to work. I had told her on the bus what I was feeling, but then we didn't know what it was. She was just as excited as I was, but she was bummed because she couldn't come right over. Tina kept saying...See I told you our baby was going to be fine. You need to learn to trust me, and stop worrying so much. I loved Tina so much for being there for me. Especially since I know I must have driven her crazy with my incessant worrying. She was always such a good sport about it, though.

That night my mom, my sister, and I sat on my bed talking about what we wanted for Christmas, and stuff like that. My mom told me that she would get stuff for the baby, she just wasn't sure what yet. About that time my baby started moving again, I got all excited and asked them if they wanted to feel it. Well, of course that early on they really couldn't feel it but they were good sports and at least tried.

What a great day, my baby was alive and I had the fluttering to prove it. God, how I loved my baby...I couldn't wait for her to come into the world. I just knew she would be a replica of her bio-dad, but I prayed that God would mold her to love more like me, and to have more of my personality. I just knew she was going to be beautiful both inside and out, and she was going to be all mine. A baby to love, nurture, and raise...I was finally beginning to feel like I could really do this.