Miss Peanut Has A Heart Beat...

November 14, 1989 I had my second official ( 3rd actual) prenatal appoint with Dr Siegel. I was so excited because I remembered that this was the day I was going to get to hear my baby's heart beat.

That sounded impossible to me, I knew there was a baby in there (I was growing by leaps and bounds)...but it still was just so surreal to me. And this was the day that my dream was going to become a reality. WOW!!!

As always I arrived right on schedule, and was told to have a seat and the nurse would call me soon. UGH...I hate waiting, I moaned. At that point I am sure the receptionist spotted the PITA label on my chart because she promptly reminded my to have a seat and closed the glass window. So I went to sit and wait, and wait, and wait. As I was waiting I began to wonder if nothing special was suppose to take place during these visits would they NOT make me wait? (How quickly I had forgotten that 2 weeks ago I rushed into the office needing an emergency and was taken right back.) Anyway, I waited what seemed like forever and then finally the nurse called me back.

I was handed that dreaded plastic cup and told to urinate into it. I snatch the cup with the 17 year old attitude I had, and stomped into the bathroom, complaining the whole way about why did I need to pee in the darn cup every visit. Again, I am sure that this is the point that the nurse too noticed the PITA in big letters on my chart, because she simply raised her eyebrows at me. I went into the bathroom lowered my pants, squatted over the toilet, and proceeded to pee all over my hand. MY GOD, why do I have to do that every time? So after a little adjustment (a little too late) I was able to pee in the cup enough the satisfy the pee-pee fairies over in the lab. Then I was weighed, asked a million question, and placed in an exam room and told (you guessed it) the doctor will be in shortly. I HATE WAITING!!! Don't these people understand, this is a big day for me. I am going to get to hear my baby's heart beat. I HATE WAITING!!!

This time though the wait was shorter than usual (or at least it seemed). Dr Siegel came in and told me that I had gained 3 lbs for a total weight gain of 6 lbs. Well thank you Dr Siegel for reminding that I am almost the size of a small house boat, as if I didn't already know that. He then asked me...have you had anymore bleeding? (no) Have you had any cramping? (no) How is your morning sickness? (better) Are you getting enough sleep at night? (i sleep all the time, how do I know when it's night and day?) How is school going? (it's going) Do you have any questions for me? (are you going to let me hear my baby's heart beat today?)

He says...we are going to try. TRY??? What the heck does that mean? Dr Siegel then explained to me that sometimes this early you can't hear the heart beat with the Doppler fetal monitor. Are you kidding me? That was not what I expected to hear, I expected to hear absolutely right now we will hear your baby's heart beat. Then he reached a crossed to the counter picked up a two piece (ok one piece connected with a curly cord) monitor thing, again he squited the jelly flown in specially from the south pole and then waved one piece of the monitor across my belly. He listened intently, then moved it across my belly to the other side.

I then heard a faint whoosh-whoosh-whooshing noise, so Dr Siegel turns up the monitor and I can hear my baby's heartbeat. I couldn't control it, nor did I want to...but the tears just flowed. I couldn't believe it I was going to have a baby. I know at that point I was crying and laughing, I was so excited to hear my baby's heartbeat. Dr Siegel told me to calm down for a minute so he could count the beats. I can't remember exactly how many beats it was (and no I did not write it down in my journal), but Dr Siegel looked at me and said...this baby has a very fast heartbeat. My tears of joy instantly turned to terror. He said...no it is fine, it just means that it is probably a girl. A what...I asked. He laughed and said...girls usually have faster heartbeats than boys, so with the way this baby's heart is beating it is probably a girl. OH MY GOD...I AM HAVING A GIRL!!! (notice how he said probably a girl, but I heard it is a girl?)

Dr Siegel then decided that since I was in the office he would just take a quick peek at the baby with the sonogram machine. (I'm not sure he trusted me when I said that I hadn't been doing anything I wasn't suppose to be doing, but I wasn't complaining I was going to get to see my baby again.) So he sent me into the sono room and told me he would be in shortly. Here comes the waiting game again!! GEESH!!! I have no idea how long I waited, but finally Dr Siegel came in, squirted the frozen jelly on my belly, and placed the sono wand over where we had just heard the heart beat.

There she is Miss Peanut (I told you I hear it was a girl). Only this time instead of just seeing the heart beat I could actually hear it in my mind's eye. Suddenly this little peanut became a real baby to me. Suddenly I knew that no matter what I couldn't live without this baby. She was growing in there and would someday soon be pushed (by me of course) into the world. She was my baby, my daughter, my first born child. I loved her more than words could describe. I remember my heart swelling with love and pride, that not only was she there, but that I had kept her alive.

I remember thanking God. I remember laying on that table and hearing that heart beat in my head, and thanking God. He heard me when I prayed that day, he kept my baby alive. I knew then that it was my job to keep my promise and be the best mommy I could be to her (I was so sure it was a girl). I then promised God again that I would always do what was best for my baby. I had no idea what that would entail, but I knew I would give my life to give her what was best. (sometimes I wish I had given my own life instead.)

I went home that day on cloud 9, I couldn't wait to call Tina and tell her. I'm having a girl...I screamed into the phone. (he said probably, but I heard positively) Tina started screaming with me as only 17 year old girls can do, and I was jumping up and down. She said...I will be right over. When I hung up the phone I felt so loved. I loved (love) Tina so much for being there for me. I mean really how many high school girls shout for joy at the idea of their friend having a baby girl? Not only did she scream with me, she was rushing over to see me. Tina was truly my rock, she never let me down a moment of any part of my pregnancy or the long journey that I traveled afterwards.

Tina came over and we sat on my bed and we just talked. We talked about what my baby would look like, we talked about how I wanted her to be a part of my baby's life. We talked about how things would never be same after the baby was born. We talked about how Tina would never leave me to raise my baby by myself. I knew that when Tina told me that she would always be there I could believe her. To this day she has never forsaken our friendship. We went through a period of being at different stages in our lives, but I always knew she was there for me if I needed her.

I began to understand that night that not only did Tina love me, but she loved my baby. That my baby could count on her just as much as I could. I remember looking at her and saying...What if I mess this up? Tina, what if I can't be the mommy this baby needs? What if Doug leaves me all alone to raise this baby? I told Tina...I love this baby with more love than I ever thought I had in me. I wanted this baby so much, I wanted to be a mommy she could be proud of. Of all the things I am afraid of doing wrong, my biggest fear is that I would fail my baby. I remember Tina taking my hand and saying...I will help you if you need me to. I will be here for you and for our baby. (Tina always said "our" baby...always)

So here we were 2 young girls making a commitment to each other and to a baby that we both loved. To this day, I have never forgotten the words that were spoken that day, nor have I ever forgotten how much Tina loved "our" baby.